Disgruntled Dad Reviews With DAVE MUSTCOMPLAIN: BLACK VEIL BRIDES’ ‘Vindicate’

Hi everybody, Dave Mustcomplain here. Part owner of M&R Heating, Cooling & Electrical, serving the fine people of Bloomington, Illinois since 1994, and proud grandfather to Lilianne and Connor even though I’m no longer on speaking terms with their mother over some Facebook posts I made during the COVID-19 plandemic, but that’s neither here nor there.

When MetalSucks reached out to me to do some heavy metal album reviews for them, I was mildly surprised, but not completely blindsided. After all, I’m a bit of a rocker myself. Played a little guitar in a Kansas cover band when I was in high school, but that dream went down the shitter after I knocked up Doreen in the backseat of my dad’s Chrysler Imperial the day after the Bears won the Super Bowl. Trust me, I’m no stranger to good tunes – so I think most of this new stuff is dogdick.

Looks like I’ll be starting my journey by reviewing some band called Black Veil Brides, so let’s get into it. Here’s my take on VINDICATE.

Track 1: “Invocation to the Muse”

This is without a doubt my favorite track. If you know anything about me, you know God comes first, so anytime I hear church organs, I feel at peace. Also, all that talk about not forgiving those who have wronged you really spoke to me. After all, the Bible says “eye for an eye”, which the bartender down at Cheddar’s Scratch Kitchen really should’ve considered before cutting me off last night.

Track 2: “Vindicate”

Seriously, seven Busch Lights isn’t that much, and I was barely slurring my words. I think that asshole just had it out for me, but luckily I managed to swipe some of his tips from the bar before I got escorted out of the building. Where was I? Oh yeah, Track 2. I didn’t care for this song, mostly because of the F-bombs. It’s just not classy.

Track 3: “Certainty”

What’s with all this screaming from bands these days? You can’t even understand what they’re saying. John Fogerty never had to resort to that nonsense, I’ll tell you that much.

Track 4: “Bleeders”

“Bleeders”? Is that some kind of vampire thing? This isn’t one of those goth bands I used to hear about on 60 Minutes, is it? They better not be, or those punks over at MetalSucks are going to learn first-hand that Dave Mustcomplain isn’t a guy you wanna tangle with.

Track 5: “Hallelujah”

Ugh, more screaming. I don’t know how much more of this I can handle.

Track 6: “Cut”

OK, this one wasn’t so bad. It mentions Jesus in the chorus, and there sure as shit isn’t anything wrong with that. Maybe I had these kids pegged wrong.

Track 7: “Alive”

I completely take back what I said about Track 6. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: any joker can just grab a microphone and howl into it like a goddamn banshee. That ain’t music.

Track 8: “Purgatory (Overture IV)”

Honestly, I’m going to welcome anything without vocals at this point, even if it sounds like it’s from the Beauty and the Beast score.

Track 9: “Revenger”

How did rock music get from Bob Seger to this? I’m genuinely curious as to where it all went wrong.

Track 10: “Sorrow”

How many songs are on this album, anyway? I’m pretty sure I’ve already tipped my hand regarding the score I’m going to give it. Hint: not great. MetalSucks is going to have to up my pay if they want me to continue reviewing this trash. Everything costs so much these days, and I’m still not sure whether the culprit is Joe Biden or Critical Race Theory.

Track 11: “Grace (Interlude)”

What is this, Sophie B. Hawkins? Are these guys a heavy metal band or not?

Track 12: “Ave Maria”

Again with those F-bombs. They wouldn’t be so foul-mouthed if corporal punishment hadn’t been taken out of public schools, but there’s really no need for me to go off on a tangent here. I mean, I can. Sound off in the comments if you’d like to hear my thoughts on the matter.

Track 13: “Woe & Pain”

“Woe & Pain.” Yeah, after 13 Black Veil Brides songs, I’m starting to get an idea what they’re talking about.  

Track 14: “Eschaton”

They couldn’t even cap this off with a church organ like they did with the opening track. It would’ve done wonders for my blood pressure after all that panic attack-inducing drumming on the last song. Now, where did I put my Lisinopril?

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There you have it. 0/5 stars. Try not to look so surprised. Hopefully next week I’m saddled with some J. Geils Band. Now that guy could write some good music. Disgruntled Dad out.

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